Have you ever tried finding a place for rent in the north, particularly when you are foreign, I mean from south india. South is foreign to north right?, although not literally. Even my hindi is not that good. If only they’d charge for killing a language, I will have to serve a sentence of life and afterlife for what I have done to hindi.
When you are not native to a place and you try to find a job they will ask for your local address . Then you go try finding a house they’ll ask for your job. A cycle that never ends. The only thing positive here is it is self propulsive and goes on and on, which makes it even more monstrous.
After losing half of my hair I found a job. Now iam happy, no not that I got a job, because I can atleast ascribe my receding hairline to some reason other than idiopathic(the medical world’s term for “don’t know”, “can’t say”, what a magnificient word!). I dread that word, I mean who wants uncertainity, it’s scary.
The next logical step in the programme is finding a place for rent. Now don’t ask me where I stayed all these days, I’d call you rude and nosy. I found a place for rent and through kick of luck ended up with a greedy and paranoid owner(rare combination, the little psychology I knew by watching cartoon network says paranoid fear so much that they would compromise money for security). The owner picked me up to show the flat. Mind you, if you ask him for a rent or advance bargain, he’d drop you there and then. Anyone having an I.Q. on the positive side wouln’t ask me how I knew that.
After paying rent and advance*, I was lead into a luxurious 2 BaHK flat. What’s 2 BaHK? , the 2 bedrooms are the hall and the kitchen. That too for as cheap as a trip to Singapore. Although there is no hot water facility, there is an aerobic workout facility. Yes really, the lift rarely worked and climbing five floors on stairs ensures that you are more than fit. The wash-basin is the only thing that comes to your rescue if you need an urgent leak and some’buddy’ is in the bathroom. (*to be paid before entering flat).
Here is where the condition more serious hai. The owneress(landlady) is onerous. Seriousness is her condition, her conditions are even more serious. You’ll have to fill a tenant form(I can safely call it autobiography) for submitting at a local police station along with all your proofs. At first I thought that she was applying for my passport.
As a part of visa(tenant form) to her country, although I have all the other proofs I had to get a letter from my workplace. I asked my office for an appointment letter or employee certificate. The next day a board meeting ensued to discuss what an appointment letter is. It was already a fortnight, I lost all hopes of getting the letter and then I got one. The 2 sentenced letter, I still have it and iam planning to frame it and claim a Guinness for the briefest official form.
During this entire fortnight there were on and off calls from landlady, more on than off. She would call me, ask for the letter, when I don’t answer a call, I get 5 or 6 calls from 3 different numbers. Then she resigns, calling me, and picks somebody else in the room. Always a minimum of 5 calls for anyone who doesn’t answer. I know she works at an office, telecom I guess for sure! Later I found that it was her habit that if she can’t reach one, she would eventually reach everyone and it’s not even fun. I thought the repeated warnings might be due to a technical glitch, but my efforts to find a patch weren’t successful.
Also we have daily blood donation program. The bed bugs throw a ball and have a warm red drink every night. Like aliens they come, in crops, each generation more powerful and intelligent. My only complaint about the bed bugs is how the landlady is allowing them to stay in the flat even though they are not paying rent. Then I discovered the secret analogy they are allies, one sucks money the other blood.
Luckily our owner doesn’t live next to us, otherwise god knows what might happen. And you know how it is when you have them next door. But wait, wait, the fact that you know what happens doesn’t make you god, though I stated it earlier.
What is the fastest thing in the world, light ofcourse. Ah! Mr. geek-in-the-corner I heard you saying tachyon. Both wrong. It is the call for rent. Because the former wouldn’t come before their stipulated time. Once I called on the D-day and the landlady said she cannot collect the rent that day. Come on, can’t come? not even for rent! Until that day I never believed that world would come to an end.
There was a guy in our flat who works on lego toy sets at a children school. He always carries that lego box to work. She noticed it once or twice, called us in bulk and queried if he was a terrorist! Come on if everyone carrying a box is one, we would have nurses, technicians and corporate behind bars. And how would someone kill people with toys, good god , is this “dolls” the Hollywood movie where toys kill people.
There was this another instance, when one guy who was a former tenant came for an overnight stay. Next day our paranoid called over her android like she read it in tabloid. She asked why he was staying unauthorised. How did she know in just one day, may be a secret cam or the security ma’am. I suspect the latter because of the smirk with a swinish pride on the face of security the next morning.
I don’t know why the landlady is so paranoid and insecure. Had I understood any better my name would have been Einstein. I wish giving her a 5 star might work miracles on her like it did with the grumpy boss in the ad. But the problem is, if I say I’d give a 5 star treat, she would think of a hotel first and the chocolate next. How good it would be if having a chocolate can give you as much pleasure and luxury as an expensive hotel service(I think this would be worth an advertising material, oh iam just bragging).
Finally like they say in the book secret, to get what you want, you have to visualise in full detail about what you want to get, as if you have already got it. Iam here already visualising playing tower defense in my iphone 5c encased in cygnett case. I even got itunes installed in my laptop too, the imaginary laptop that I have visualised earlier!!
A less serious and more beautiful day fellas